FY 4 Hiei's Secret Girlfriend
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-13
Published: 2012-07-18 00:00:12
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Humor, Parody

Yusuke, Kuwabara and Kurama feel left out now that Hiei's busy in Demon World. So here comes the plot without apologies.

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
Am I the only one that thinks Secret Girlfriend sounds like a weird harem anime?
Chapter 4
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"Hey guys…" Yusuke waved at Kurama and Kuwabara as they approached the ramen stand. "Don't you two have anywhere else to go? Or are you actually gonna buy something from me this time?"

"So if I said to make me something and I said I hated it, would I get my money back?" Kuwabara asked with a smirk.

"Quit being a smart ass."

"You're a smart ass. Hiei was a smart ass. Why can't I have my moments?"

"Do we really need another one? And speaking of which, any one of you guys ever see Hiei lately? He said that he was going to come back at some point. Or at least to visit us. As far as I've heard only Yukina and Genkai's seen him."

"He's been making himself busy with the patrol. That's what he said the last time I saw him," Kurama said. "Funny thing was Mukuro came by while he was saying how he can't go and she said he has full permission to leave whenever he wants. But if you want to know his reason for staying… Well, he doesn't want to say. But considering that he actually has a solid place to stay… You know among other things he refuses to admit."

"Speaking of which… Where did he go and sleep?" Yusuke asked.

"A tree? I don't know. And considering that he could actually come and go whenever he feels like it over there unlike here where he's always being watched by the Spirit World. He didn't exactly make a commitment when he said that he would come see us. In fact when we mentioned it, it was more like an afterthought. Just saying."

"Yeah, well the jerk never seems to want us there when we visit him. He's pretty much washing his hands of us at this point."

People talk like that? "That's just the way he is."

"I would've thought he would have been a nicer guy after he got a girlfriend. I mean, everybody changes when they got a girl," Kuwabara said. Kurama shrugged.

"I got a good idea…" Yusuke gestured for the two to lean over closer. The two leaned in so far that they practically fell over the counter. He whispered his plan. Kurama immediately drew back.

"Hell and no," he replied simply.

"Fine, Kurama, because you refuse to cut your mop hair we won't have you do it," Yusuke said as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, so if I don't cut my hair, then I definitely look like a…"

"Cut your hair you hippie!"

"My hair is just fine and it's everyone's fault that…"

"You're not doing it, shut up!"

"I dunno, Yusuke, isn't that a little…?" Kuwabara didn't even want to say it.

"If you wanna look at it like that. But you gotta admit it'll be the most epic practical joke ever. And have we ever seen his reactions to this kind of thing? No. So it's double the fun. And…"

"I'm not saying I won't do it, I'm just saying it… It's kind of gay… And how will we get the stuff to do this?"

"I've got it all taken care of. Just you wait. So let's gather on Saturday…"

"I'm not…" Kurama was cut off.

"We get it, Kurama! Shut up!"


Hiei was wandering the halls, minding his own business. Shigure gave him a weird look. He might have to take care of that later but at the moment… There was a series of knocks on the door. No one ever knocks on the door. There were several possibilities at this point. He opened the door to find a tall buff blonde woman and a shorter brunette woman, both of which wore thick layers of makeup and both of which happened to have abnormally large breasts.

The smaller woman put her arm around him. "Hey there, big boy. Looks like we came to the right place…"

Hiei felt something crawling up his throat. "…Yusuke… You're going… to explain… what the hell… is going on…"

"Dude, really. You already got it figured out? You're smarter than I thought," Yusuke said. "It took us three hours to get this right."

"Take… Take your hands off me… Holy shit…" He felt that a thousand showers would not make him clean enough. He noticed Kurama was standing there, somewhat amused. "What, you didn't get in on this too, you jack ass?"

"What, are you saying that I look like a woman…?" Suddenly Kurama gained the ability to make a slasher smile.

"I didn't say that at all! Just… Someone explain… And I should have known as soon as Kuwabara walked in. He's the worst woman I've ever seen…"

"Three hours work! At least say it's worth it! And you know you like the strong women, Hiei," Kuwabara replied. To add to the effect, he flexed his arms. "Yeah, you know that you'd totally want some of this if I was a chick."

"You guys are so gay. Get away from me."

At that moment, Mukuro happened to walk in the hall. "Hey, Hiei, I need…" She noticed the two guys standing in drag and her eyes widened in shock. She cupped a hand over her mouth to hold back the vomit, swallowed it, and said, "Yusuke Urameshi… It's been a while… E- enjoying yourself, are you…?"

And Yusuke went on like there was nothing picture unrelated going on here. "Yeah. So everything's going over smoothly here?"

"Y-yes… Q-quite so. A-and this is also your friend Kuwabara I've heard so much about…?" Kuwabara suddenly was aware of Mukuro's presence and immediately stopped his flexing and waved at her. Then he felt really bad for her. "Th-that's good. You keep doing what you're doing. Hiei, I'm going to need to you alone later. Once this is over. Thanks." She was obviously fighting the urge to run away screaming.

"Ooh, alone, huh?" Yusuke asked.

"You guys are assholes. And you just killed Kuwabara's image because now she'll think you're a… A queen," Hiei said.

"What, is she some kind of homophobe?" Kuwabara asked. Though what he really wanted to know was what she meant by Heard so much about… Considering that Hiei was pretty much the only person who could mention him to her. "Cause loves knows no boundaries! Like me and Yukina!"

"I don't know but she'll think you're weird." He walked away before the others could get a word in.


Once again, Hiei found a quiet room and sat there all alone. Just as he was about to get settled in came "the girls." And Kurama.

"Dammit, go away!" Hiei threw a rock at them. Or at least he thought it was a rock. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. Whatever it was, it didn't hit the intended target nor did it scare the intended target away. "Or can't you at least change out of that?"

"Hiei, do you see us carrying anything that would hold a change of clothes?" Yusuke asked. "This is what you get for never visiting us."

"What, are you five? Or some clingy girl in a angsty teen vampire romance novel?"

"We get it, you hate vampires. Just let it die already," Kuwabara said. "…I kind of want to get out of this. I feel weird…"

"You should! And you should know how unconvincing you are. Get the hell out of here!" Hiei growled. As an afterthought- "I never promised that I would visit you, anyway."

"You keep saying that they are but you never say why…" Actually Kurama was kind of enjoying Hiei's pain. Or seeing the plan backfire. But no one ever said that it couldn't be both.

"You mean other than the obvious? And Yusuke's really bad with symmetry anyway."

"What is it with you and boobs? I know they're always at eye level for you but come on, there's no reason for you to get a fetish…" Yusuke said.

"No, it's just obviously artificial if one's…."

"Say what you want. You know you have a thing for the boobs. And if I'm so bad at it, then fix it."

"You're disgusting."

"You're the one who pointed it out. Kuwabara, you wanna fix it so Hiei can be convinced?"

Kuwabara didn't want to do it, actually… "You got a yardstick?"

At that point Mukuro walked in. "Hey, Hiei…" She noticed the girls again… And Kurama. Her stomach twisted faster than a piece of taffy. You know if you twist taffy at all. She's going to have to make this one quick. "…I need a stapler so…"

Kuwabara noticed one on the table and held it up. "Is this one okay?" Apparently Kuwabara lived in a world where people usually had lucky staplers.

"No… I think…"

Kurama picked up another one. "You want this one?"

"No… I think… I think I can find one elsewhere."

Yusuke took the stapler and ran over to her. "What's wrong with it?" And he leaned in towards her.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. I just happened to remember that I did have one lying around. Just not in this room. I really ought be going I have to…"

"Take it. You know how much work it took for Kurama to find this one? It's only fair that…"

"It didn't take any effort. Now I really…"

He shoved it into her hands. "Take it, dammit." And soon as he touched her, she fainted… and her hair turned slightly white. "…Dude, people actually faint? That's so weird."

"You guys are dicks," Hiei grumbled.

"Have you ever seen her faint before?"

"No. But you're still a bunch of dicks."

"Yeah well, you're a bigger one and this isn't when it's a good thing."

"It never is." And he dragged her out.

"Wait, what?"


They tracked down Hiei again just as he was about to leave the building. At that point he wasn't wanting to give them a second thought. In fact, he was going to keep walking until they decided to turn around and walk away. Even if it took FORVER… FOREVER… FOREVER…

"Dude… So.. You coming back?" Yusuke asked after ten minutes of following him. Hiei turned around, gave him a go-to-hell look and continued walking. "Okay, so our idea didn't work out the way we wanted and Mukuro's probably not going to talk to us again… Or sleep for a week. And you're probably not going to get laid for a while either. But it's the thought that counts… Right?"

"Are you that dumb?" Hiei asked. "Shit."

"Well, me and Kurama are still cool, right?" Kuwabara asked. "I mean, you can't hate me more than Urameshi…"

"Kurama is okay. You're number two. But I hate you all." And he ran away.

"…You think he'll forgive us in a few weeks?" Yusuke asked.

Kurama looked at them both. "Well, gentleman, it's been fun but… Doubt it."

"Well, that sucks. You know he's laughing inside."

"You keep telling yourself that, Urameshi. You keep telling yourself that," Kuwabara sighed. And the other two left Yusuke to sit in the sudden-anime-weather snow and think about what he did.

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